How You Can Overcome 5 Barriers to Being an Ally to LGBTQ People
And other marginalized people
Allies stand up for the rights of others, even when it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient. Most of us view ourselves as good people, so what gets in our way?
Many of my most engaged clients feel shame and embarrassment when they experience resistance to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives, and their shame can make it even harder for them to be the ally they want to be. As Brené Brown writes,
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
As we work together, I remind my clients that even good people resist change, and understanding the source of our resistance offers a better path forward than shame. We partner together to understand their resistance by getting curious and drawing upon knowledge of DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion), change theory, and even habit formation. Here are my thoughts on five common barriers to allyship.
Barrier One: Recognizing Bias When It Occurs
When we are part of a dominant group, we often fail to recognize biased behavior, even when it occurs right in front of us. That’s because humans are exquisitely tuned to notice things that are unfair to them and to gloss over things that are unfair to others.
Humans are exquisitely tuned to notice things that are unfair to them and to gloss over things that are unfair to others.
As an example, I grew up in a small town that, to my knowledge, had no Jewish families. When I went to college, my Jewish friends had to point out common biases and forms of discrimination against Jews. My knowledge went from abstract (there is anti-Semitism in the world) to specific (here are the biases my Jewish friends have to contend with). This is an important first step.
Barrier Two: Interrupting Bias When It Occurs
Years ago, I joined a hockey team to play a weekend tournament with them. In the locker room, one woman began saying incredibly hurtful things about Asian people. Horrified, I sat speechless, staring at the only Asian in the room, a Korean-American woman, to see if she would say anything. This moment was my missed opportunity for allyship.
This was my missed opportunity for allyship.
In hindsight, I could have spoken up. Or I could have connected with the targeted woman later to offer my support. I did neither because I didn’t have a plan, and I was afraid of how the team might respond to me.
Despite my fear, I was in no real danger in this situation. To be better prepared, I have gathered a few phrases to use at times like this.
- “Wow.” (or other exclamation of surprise)
- “Why do you say that?”
- “That’s not cool.”
- “We don’t say those things here.”
The goal is not to avoid making things uncomfortable — that happened when the speaker said harmful things. Rather, the goal is to shift the discomfort away from the targeted person and onto the speaker. Sure, the speaker might get upset, but she might stop talking or even change her behavior in the future. An ally takes that chance.
Barrier Three: We Need Time to Process Change.
The first time I encountered a group that used pronouns as part of their introductions, well before I came out as transgender, I hated the practice. Questions I had but didn’t feel like I could ask were:
- Does this do any good?
- What are their intentions?
- Will I be viewed as insensitive if I don’t support this practice?
Without taking a deep dive into change leadership theory, I experienced a predictable phase of resistance that comes along with any change — an automatic reaction against something new. We know that providing context and additional information helps people process change more quickly. To this point, many organizations now include a link explaining why they use pronouns so that people can read this information in advance.
On a personal level, when I first encountered people including pronouns in their introductions, I was years away from coming out as transgender. Because I had no previous experience with allies of the many communities whose presentation does not align with their gender, I did not trust their intentions. Finally, I didn’t want to lie, nor did I want to share my authentic pronouns with a room full of strangers. I needed time and space to work through my own identity before I could be an ally to others.
There is an understandable sense of urgency for allyship, but sometimes we have to play the long game. It’s okay to give ourselves grace while we do our inner work.
Barrier Four: Zero-Sum Thinking and Lack of Context
Without context, we may perceive actions taken to address legitimate inequities as special favors or discriminatory against the majority group. Assuming that helping one group will harm another is zero-sum thinking, and it’s a trap many of us fall into.
Assuming that helping one group will harm another is zero-sum thinking, and it’s a trap many of us fall into.
Instead, we can consider The Curb-Cut Effect (SSIR), which describes how joggers, people pushing strollers, workers with carts, and travelers hauling suitcases benefitted from curb cuts designed to improve accessibility for wheelchair users. Many other examples of public health initiatives, affirmative action, and even bike lanes led to benefits far beyond the initial targeted population.
We can hurdle the context barrier by learning about our history, including how the history of redlining still affects the wealth gap between white and Black Americans, and how racial covenants barred non-whites from owning or even occupying housing until 1968. We can learn about the most recent wave of hate crimes against Asian Americans. We can learn that despite the fear that transgender women will dominate women’s sports, a trans athlete has never medaled at the Olympics.
It makes sense that people won’t support a change when they don’t understand the context or if they assume that helping one group will hurt another. We should challenge ourselves to learn about our history before deciding whether to be an ally or not. And we should learn to recognize and challenge zero-sum thinking.
Barrier Five: Moving Out of Learning and Into Action
Anyone who has ever tried to start a new habit, like exercising, knows that it can be challenging to translate good intentions into actions. Here are five tips:
- Start small. It’s easier to sustain new actions if they don’t take a lot of time.
- Decide what cause you’d like to support, how you’d like to support it, and how often you will take action. Get specific, and then put it in your calendar.
- Find an accountability partner. This could be a friend, family member, or coworker. Celebrate successes together. Support each other through mistakes and setbacks.
- For any cause you can imagine, there is an organization that will send you information on specific actions you can take. Join or sign up for their mailing list.
- Listen to feedback to ensure your actions align with the needs of the group you are trying to be an ally for. Make changes as necessary.
I hope that these tips will help you check your shame at the door and identify what is holding you back so you can begin to practice and strengthen your allyship muscles. Even small acts can make a big difference in the world.
Kai Stowers is a consultant, Professional Certified Coach (PCC), and has a master’s degree in Organizational Psychology and Change Leadership from Columbia University. He partners with organizations to help leaders build high-performing, engaged, and inclusive teams.
If you like my work and want to support it, you can buy me a cup of coffee! ☕
